I should start this story off by saying I am no prude. When a naked body appears on my TV screen or movie screen, I don’t immediately roll my eyes and sigh in disgust. I think nothing of it when I’m at the beach and a woman sunbathes topless nearby. Nudity is part of life, but it’s not part of my life.
There is a long-standing inner battle I have with myself about my body image. At times, I don’t care. Most of the time, the bullying and hurtful words from my youth bounce around in my head. Growing up, I was picked on for being too skinny and for having big ears, something I think about every time I pass in front of a mirror. And then something happened the past couple of years. My metabolism finally slowed down, but instead of fat spreading around my body, it all settles in one pouch on my belly. At a recent checkup, my old doctor said in his Greek accent, “your body is like a letter b.” So, I’ve got that going for me now.
* Shameless plug, you can follow my fitness journey on my Instagram page @runjasongreene. It’s a separate account than my normal account.
Anyway…
I love spas. Who doesn’t? Read my story about Emily’s Resort to hear more about how much I love spas. Yes, I know most people love spas. But I REALLY LOVE spas. When I enter a sauna, I feel all my stress and tension lift away. I try to visit a bathhouse in New York City whenever my body has had enough stress. The thing is, the bathhouse in NYC has a dress code. Ukraine doesn’t care much about dress codes.
Before visiting Ukraine, I had heard stories about banya and bathhouses in Eastern Europe. They always intrigued me. At the same time, a bit horrifying. I’ve been to plenty of men’s locker rooms in the United States to scare me into never appearing nude in public. Until Ukraine.
It was our 5th day traveling around Western Ukraine. I was traveling with Taras, head of tourism for the Lviv Oblast region, Sasha Vosk, founder of Rebuild Ukraine Foundation, which is an organization assisting to rebuild Ukraine through tourism, and Joshua Brandenburg, a photographer at JAB Photos and is also my brother-in-law. We pulled up to Vezha Vedmezha, a beautiful hotel and spa surrounded by a Carpathian forest. We were weary from jumping from one Ukrainian treasure to another. We quickly unloaded our bags and dragged our weary bodies to dinner.
After filling up on delicious Ukrainian delicacies and local beer, we made a quick change and headed to the on premises banya. The banya was not connected to the hotel, so I ran in my swimsuit, robe, and flip-flops through the snow to get to the banya. My group of 4 knocked on the door and was let into the banya by a man in a robe. He instructed us to remove our clothing and place it in the locker. He pointed at my swim trunks and told me they must be removed. I opened the locker and inside were two towels and a robe. One towel was for drying off after a shower and the other towel, I’m not sure what it was for. The fabric was see-through fabric and thin and when I wrapped myself up in it; I needed to pinch my fingers together to keep from falling down. It was barely covering my bits and pieces.
We stepped into a steam room wearing nothing but what the Good Lord gave us and I stared at the wall or towards the ceiling, doing my best to not make eye contact. While sweating out the all the vodka I had been consuming during the week, the word “Venik” caught my attention. If you are unfamiliar with veniks, they are bunches of dried leaves mixed with eucalyptus. The leaves are soaked in hot water and then bathers get whipped by them. Yes, you pay someone to whip you with wet leaves. The concept is that while you are getting hit with the leaves, heat from the air collects in the bunch and transfers the heat to the body. This helps release toxins and loosens up muscles and joints. I had heard about the process, but never experienced it.
We were vacated from the steam room for the first person to get treatment. The three of us who were not in treatment went to the outdoor hot tub (still naked). Once inside, we relaxed and talked while the jets and heat turned our bodies into mush. After a while, I got out of the hot tub and sipped tea. While drinking tea, I was summoned to be next. Not going to lie, I was a wee bit worried.
The man who greeted us at the door was no longer wearing a robe. He was now adorned with a blue speedo. He motioned for me to lie down in the steam room on my stomach. Once I was down, the gentleman wrapped hot eucalyptus leaves around my head, blocking out all light. Feeling awkward and wondering how many butts and penises this guy must see in a day, the first splat of leaves cracked into my back. I was waiting for it to sting more than it did, but not that bad. The guy told me to relax, which is hard to do when a large man is standing over your naked body, but after a few more whips of the branch, my body relaxed. Tension and stress left my body. I no longer felt the stings of the branches and was even close to falling asleep. I had even forgotten I was naked. Then, the man stopped and the coldest bucket of water in the history of civilization splashed onto my back. I was not expecting that.
He unwrapped the leaves from around my head and I thought I was finished. I wasn’t. He grabbed me by my arm and lifted me up, and guided me out the door. Do I need to set the stage again? A large man in a blue speedo hoisted my nude body up and out of the steam room and walked me outside in the frigid cold air. He motioned for me to jump into the cold plunge. With sweat pouring out of every pore of my naked body, I jumped into the cold plunge. It felt as though a ton of bricks smashed into my chest. I attempted to climb up the ladder, but the speedo wearing man motioned at my head and said, “under.” I sucked in my breath and plunged under the water. When I came out, I was like a dog trying to get out of the bathtub. I quickly grabbed the metal ladder and my flesh stuck. I popped my skin off the ladder and noticed he had a towel draped over part of the ladder for me to grab. That made more sense. I pulled myself up out of the freezing water with the help of his hand under my elbow. Then, we walked from the frigid cold (Did I mention the naked part) back into the steam room.
I thought the most awkward part of the day was over, but we were just beginning. I was instructed to lie on my back, which I did. The man wrapped the heated eucalyptus leaves back around my head and proceeded to hit my chest, abdomen, and legs with the leaves. I once again wondered how many penises this guy must see in a day. I figured he was a penis expert by now and could probably give a TED Talk about the varieties of penises.
After a good flogging, the man bent my legs up by my knees and separated my legs. I was now in a butterfly position. This was the height of awkwardness. The leaves racked against my inner thighs and after a few minutes, the awkward feeling was gone as my body felt like a strand of limp spaghetti.
After my venik beatings, I was once again directed to the cold plunge, where I submerged myself in icy water. The man helped me out, and I made my way to the lounge area where my group was sitting. They asked for my thoughts and I replied, “it was interesting.”
My body felt like the only thing keeping my body upright was bones. My muscles and joints were relaxed. There was no tension in my body. My nude inhibitions were out the door. Literally, since I was walking back and forth between the heat indoors and the outdoor spa area. It didn’t cure me of the unhappiness I have with my self-image, but for a little while, I stopped caring.
After the banya, we went to the hotel bar, where my hands held up my head. I sipped beers while discussing our Ukranian journey. Throughout my 10 days exploring Western Ukraine, the banya experience was near the top. Something that I was nervous about ended up not being that big of a deal. The next time I’m back in Ukraine, I’ll definitely book another beating by a large man in a speedo.
And the hotel stay was incredible. Besides the delicious Ukrainian delicacies, our rooms were spacious and comfortable. I would love to stay at the Vezha Vedmezha for a full week. During our stay, we were given a tour of the hotel and looked at the amazing artwork and artifacts. If you’re in the Carpathian region, look into staying at Vezha Vedmezha. And while there, schedule a trip to the banya. Tell the guy in the blue speedo I said “hi.”
To book a room at Verna Vedmezha, click here.
- I traveled around Western Ukraine to promote tourism to show there’s more to Ukraine than the war we see on TV. Ukraine is filled with everyday people living their best lives. Despite a war in the east, the 2nd largest country in Europe still has plenty to offer tourists in the west. That’s the goal of the Rebuild Ukraine Foundation and founder Sasha Vosk, who was mentioned in this story.
*I partnered with Lviv Tourism for our trip. Much like I said with the above paragraph, Lviv is a bustling territory with amazing things for tourists to do and see. Check back here for more stories about my journey around Western Ukraine.
I am writing a series of stories about my trip to Ukraine. Read these stories from my Ukraine trip:
Where is God During War: A conversation with a Ukrainian Priest
15 Reasons to Visit Western Ukraine Now
Defeating Darkness with Art: Touring Park 3020
Getting Naked in Ukraine
Rebuilding Ukraine by Rebuilding Children’s Lives: My interview with the staff of SOS
Emily Resort and Spa in Lviv, Ukraine is a Luxury Paradise with Family-Friendly Activities
Visiting Ukraine During the War
Representing America in the Back of a Taxi in Ukraine
Promoting Tourism in Ukraine During the War
Traditional Ukrainian Drink Uzvar Recipe
Kyiv Mule Cocktail Recipe
Other travel adventures:
| Central America |
| Honduras Hugging Sloths in Honduras |
Interesting