I have seen many lists over the years ranking the best TV Dads. As a TV fan and a dad, I love reading those lists and debating the merits of the list. Recently, I watched the NFL Draft and suddenly an amazing hypothetical question popped into my mind. What if there was an NFL team made up entirely of TV Dads. Not just the good dads, but all of them. I tried to shrug off the question, but I couldn’t let it go. It ate away at me while I tried to sleep. During story time with my kids, I suddenly would blurt out, “Tony Miceli has great athletic skills!” So I put the team together. And for all of those people that love reading lists of TV dads and love football, you’re welcome.
Here is the greatest team of TV Dads ever assembled:
Owner: Tony Soprano from The Sopranos
Who is the most important person in an organization? It has to be the owner. The owner must be tough and ruthless, but yet at times sensitive and vulnerable. If a team has enemies, the owner must lead the fight against that team and be able to take responsibility for everything that happens with his (I would say “or her” here, but we’re talking about dads) team. The owner must also have a lot of money and be willing to find some extra cash if the need arises. Leadership is also key. The owner must be looked up to, as well as feared – maybe even be a bit of a loose cannon.
General Manager: Louie C.K. from Louie
The General Manager has a difficult task – he must make tough decisions and be a bridge between the owner and the rest of the club. Whether it’s with his own kids, other comedians, or in his stand-up, Louis tells it like it is, but in a funny that is easy to hear way. A GM must be persuasive and Louie is exactly that.
Coach: Walter White from Breaking Bad
I was such a fan of Breaking Bad, that I could have easily put Walter White in every position. But I think Coach suits him best. And yes, I did choose him over Coach Fox from Coach. Let me tell you why. A coach needs to be manipulative. He needs to make you think that you can and should do everything he wants. I mean, who will ever forget Mr. White convincing poor teary-eyed Jesse Pinkman to shoot Gale? That kind of manipulation is horrible, but the kind of thing that can make a great coach. Also, Walter White is the smartest TV dad ever. If anyone can whip out a chart and come up with ways to weaken the other team, it would be Heisenberg.
Assistant Coach: Jason Seaver: Growing Pains
The assistant needs to be the ying to the coach’s yang. Jason was used to dealing with a head case; his son Mike always made his dad stay on his toes and one step ahead. Being a psychiatrist helped Jason raise his family, but could also help him keep Coach White grounded when White wants to shoot for the moon.
Quarterback: Dr. Heathcliffe Huxtable from The Cosby Show
There isn’t a more glamorous position in all of sports than the quarterback. The quarterback needs to be an unquestioned leader – when he speaks, everyone listens respectfully. So, I chose the greatest TV dad of all time, Dr. Huxtable, as the quarterback. Much like the coach, the quarterback needs to make the people around him believe they can do anything (he wants them to do). Which is a skill Dr. Huxtable used when convincing Theo that moving out of the house at a young age was not in his best interest. Also, the offensive line would want to block for the good doctor. I mean, who wants to see someone that caring be knocked to the ground?
Running Back: Brody from Homeland
A running back has to be able to take punishment, and no TV dad took more than Brody. He has the physical tools to run through people, but it is his evasiveness that would make him a great running back. Throughout the show, he was able to fool his family, his friends, his lover, the government, and at times, even himself. And one more thing that would make him a great running back – it doesn’t end well for those that get in his way.
Full Back: Eddard Stark from Game of Thrones
You might think putting Stark in this position would be a waste because there are so many defensive positions that would be a great fit for him. But let me explain. Stark is a protector. He protects his family and the King at all costs. Even at high costs. He is willingly puts his body between the enemy and those that he holds dear. With Dr. Huxtable at quarterback, someone with his toughness and willingness to protect at all costs needs to be fullback. When the lines fail, the fullback is the last one to protect the quarterback. He’s also the one who leads the way for the halfback. Can you imagine the site of Stark running at you with Brody right behind him?
Left Offensive Tackle: Cameron Tucker from Modern Family
This emotional dad has the pedigree for being a great offensive linesman from his college playing days, but his over-protective nature is what would make him a great offensive tackle. He might seem like a pushover, but remember his ability to throw down some serious intimidation, much like he did when Mitch was bothered by some punks at a gas station. Cam gave off a serious butt kicking vibe in full clown costume.
Left Offensive Guard: Archie Bunker from All in the Family
Archer would be the grumpiest dad on the team, as well as the most out of shape, but he gets the spot for his ability to make everyone else feel terrible about themselves. Can you imagine being across from him and hearing how horrible you are? Not to mention, would you really want to knock an old man down?
Center: Al Bundy from Married with Children
Usually lazy people do not make good football players, but this leader of the “No Ma’am” movement would relish the opportunity to get away from his wife for a few hours. He would also finally have an outlet for all the pent-up frustration he feels from working at a women’s shoe store. When pushed, Al showed that he did have a tough side and, on rare occasions, he stood up and fought for his family.
Right Offensive Tackle: Homer Simpson from The Simpsons
How many difficult situations has Homer been in over the years? But he always seems to come out on top. Homer may seem like an unlikely candidate for a top football team, but look at his size and the super human strength he receives from drinking Duff Beer. He has all the tools to be a great football player, all Homer needs is motivation. Just tell him the winning team gets free beer and he would push someone all the way to the end zone.
Right Offensive Guard: Phillip Banks from The Fresh Prince of Bellaire
Will’s teasing of Uncle Phil’s girth would halt once the judge in Bellaire began to throw his weight around the football field. Someone standing across the line from this dad would immediately be intimidated by the scowl so often given to Will and Carlton.
Wide Receiver: Lucas McCain from The Rifleman
This single dad couldn’t carry his Winchester onto the football field, but that would not keep him from scoring a touchdown. In order to survive in the Old West, one had to be tough. McCain had to stare down one bad guy after another on the streets of North Fork, so a defensive player would not be able to get inside his head. McCain built his own home and works hard on the farm, so his hands are strong. The only concern is would he be able to catch a football. Considering that his fingers are quick with the trigger, I would assume that his hands could adapt to catching a pass with ease.
Wide Receiver: Tony Micelli from Who’s the Boss
Sam’s dad is a former baseball player and Tony is used to running down pop flies. Tony kept himself in great shape and would be the ideal dad to play wide receiver. (And anyone who thinks a housekeeper would not be a good football player hasn’t cleaned a house full of kids. A housecleaner must be able to leap and bend, which could help a player to jump over others, as well as pick up a ball right before it touches the ground.
Tight End: Herman Munster from The Munsters
Picture this, the ball flies through the air and lands in Herman’s hands. Are you going to tackle him? By far the biggest dad in the group, is also the slowest. But if he’s on his game, he would be hard to bring down. Of course, in order to force the turnover, all one would have to do is make Herman really happy – the ball would pop right out as he jumped and clapped with glee.
To read who my defense and special team players are, click here.