This is part 2 of my hypothetical football team made up of TV Dads. If you would like to read my introduction and who made the list of offense and team leaders, click here.
Defense and Special Teams
Left End: Dan Connor from Roseanne
The Chicago Bears fan and pleasant counterpart to Roseanne’s crankiness has the size needed to play on the defensive line. His years working construction crews also give him the strength needed to knock guys to the ground. Dan also happened to be a pretty good dad who was able to learn from his parenting mistakes and always ended up doing the right thing. He’s one you can count on – exactly what you want in a defensive-end.
Right End: James Evans, Sr. from Good Times
The irony of Good Times was that good times were rare for the Evans family. One thing was certain, although James Evans, Sr. had his share of battles, if anyone crossed him, it would be a rough day for the other guy. This cranky dad must have had some inner anger after hearing “Dynamite” over and over again, but if he could channel that inner anger, he could explode through an offensive lineman.
Right Tackle: Gomez Adams from The Addams Family
The weirdest dad in the history of TV Dads makes the team, not for his athletic ability (although one could argue that his years of fencing would help with his agility, speed, and leg strength), but for his oddity. Morticia’s husband and Friday’s papa would freak out an offensive lineman so much that another defensive player would be able to slip on by without being detected and wreak havoc in the offensive backfield.
Left Tackle: Carl Winslow from Family Matters
Urkle’s nemesis always seemed to find a way to do the right thing. Maybe that is a result of being a police officer for so long, but it always seemed to happen. His size would help him fight in the football trenches and hearing, “did I do that” one more time might push him over the edge – a good thing on the football field.
Right Linebacker: Hayden Fox from Coach
Of course Coach Fox had to be somewhere on the team, and the best fit would be as an outside linebacker. Kelly’s daddy frequently showed that he was able to understand what was needed of him in difficult situations and could step in and fill any role. An outside linebacker must be able to quickly step into a spot that needs coverage and Coach Fox would be able to do that.
Middle Linebacker: Dexter Morgan from Dexter
One of the most important positions on the football field is played by one of the worst dads in TV history. Parenting-wise, Dexter was hardly ever around, but he always took care of his family when they were in harm’s way. Accept for that Trinity situation. Well, if his children were in danger, then Dexter took care of the situation. Dexter was also in great shape and he pushed through any obstacle stood in his way. And if he’s having trouble bringing someone down, a needle in their neck would do the trick.
Left Linebacker: Howard Cunningham from Happy Days
Mr. C is mainly here to help control Dexter. In the event of a pile-up, Richie’s dad would be able to talk some sense into Dexter before he could do further damage. Howard was used to helping crazy people out. After all, look at what he was able to do with The Foz – Arthur Fonzareli went from hanging out at diners and using a bathroom as an office to becoming a high school teacher. Think of what Mr. C could do for a football team.
Corner: Danny Tanner from Full House
His unathletic build might make you think about rejecting him from your team, but look at what Danny had to put up with. He had 3 girls and two grown men living in his house. Not to mention Kimmy Gibler who was always bothering him. A defensive corner needs to be able to multi-task and Mr. Tanner showed that he could do that over and over again.
Corner: Ward Cleaver from Leave it to Beaver
One of the most popular dads in TV history, Ward is another solution to the Dexter problem. Bringing sound advice and great leadership to a team that includes Dexter and Gomez Adams would be crucial. Mr. Cleaver was also able to control a lot of situations and never overreacted when Beaver and Wally got into trouble. Level heads are needed to play defense and he’s as level as they come. He might also shame an opposing receiver into giving up the ball.
Free Safety: Andy Taylor from the Andy Griffith Show
Sheriff Taylor didn’t need to lock up too many guys while patrolling the streets of Maybury, but the townspeople felt safe knowing that the good sheriff was out there. Andy always had an eye for identifying the root of the problem. With those kinds of skills, he could anticipate the offense’s next move.
Free Safety: Rick Grimes from The Walking Dead
Rick has been known to sacrifice his body or whatever else is needed for his family and those he leads. Sometimes a safety is the last man on the field who can stop the opposing team from scoring a touchdown. Rick is a survivor and could be counted on to make that stop. If he can knock a zombie’s head off its body, he can swat a ball flying through the air.
Punter: Mike Brady from The Brady Bunch
With 6 kids, Mike had to make fast decisions. A punter doesn’t have a lot of time to get the ball off. Mr. Brady might not be able to kick the ball far, but it would be unlikely that it would get blocked. And to top it off, he is used to playing on artificial turf.
Kicker: Tim Taylor form Home Improvement
Tim is used to getting knocked around from raising 3 boys, so having a defense come swarming in on him won’t rattle him too much. Years of accidents with power tools also left him with a high pain tolerance, so there would not be too much of a problem getting Tim back on the field after getting leveled. Being a carpenter, Tim also knows how to play his angles. Sometimes kicks need to go straight down the middle, while other times they need to curve just at the right moment.
Returner: Ricky Ricardo
A returner needs to be fast on his feet and be able to swivel his hips, which would cause tacklers to miss at the last second. Little Ricky’s daddy has just the skills to do so. Shortly after catching the ball, Ricky would dance right past the kicking team and run right into the end zone.
There are a lot of other TV dads that I could have used, but these seemed to fit best. And if you are counting this team out, remember who’s on this team. With dads like Dexter, Heisenberg, Grimes, Stark, and Brody on this team, would you want to oppose them? And if you did, you might wake up in the morning with broken legs. This team’s owner has a bit of temper.