Help Wanted: Seeking a Social Distance Manager

Over the past few months, I’ve been hunting for social media openings. When I see wanted posts on LinkedIn, Indeed, or all the other job posting boards I peruse daily, I click on them and my hope gets a kick-start. After hitting “send,” my hope gets a reality check when realization dawns that I’m probably not going to get the call.

After being a stay-at-home dad for 15 years, there’s a giant hole in my resume. During these 15 years, I could include on my resume I was a chauffeur, teacher, chef, barista, office manager, secretary, launder (both money and clothing), security, personal shopper, financial consultant, nurse, accountant, coach, community organizer, prison guard, actor, masseuse, and housekeeper. It is hard to convince most job seekers that my role as a stay-at-home dad has possibly made me busier than anyone on their payroll.

There is another dilemma that blocks me from looking like the most attractive candidate and that is I must spend part of my day working from home. Why? See the above paragraph. One of my hopes to come out of social distancing is more companies will understand many of their employees can work from home. I’m used to working through chaos, so working from home would be a breeze. While blogging for the past 10 years, I’ve spent most of my creative time sandwiched between kids asking questions and staining my shirts. Putting TS reports together would be a cinch. Unfortunately, most companies haven’t caught on yet that parents work extremely well under pressure in and outside of the office.

The reason I’m seeking social media positions is I have a blogging/freelance writing background and have been marketing myself through social media and sharing an endless supply of outstanding information. And if you haven’t had the opportunity to absorb the abundance of wisdom from my social media accounts, you can follow these accounts –  Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook. (Psst, that was a shameless plug for you to follow me.) However, during this time of social distancing, I believe there is a call for a new position. One that I am suitable for because of my many years of being a dad and from managing all my social media activities. That job is Social Distance Manager. A Social Distance Manager, or Social Distance Organizer, is a position all businesses need. A position that could save a company or the employees from a catastrophe.

Let’s say something horrible is happening in the world. Like a global pandemic if you will. Your company wants to say something and is following the popular trends of the day. Someone tweets a new cure or information and before the manager retweets that info, the Social Distance Manager steps in and suggests waiting and does research.  The face is saved. Then suddenly, the President tweets something foolish. The social media manager’s fingers get itchy. I could be there to say, “Wait,” and push the manager’s chair away from the desk. Then, we let some time pass. Sure, we missed out on all the rage, but the distance between the tweet and the company’s image is established. With me, I could have a deep understanding of the company’s mantra or policies and censor the social media manager’s tweet or help them craft a message that may disagree with the President, but without controversy. The tweet would be respectable to all parties while still opposing someone who lacks empathy. This is all hypothetical. Completely hypothetical.

Or

Everyone is having a marvelous time at an office party and the manager breaks out the phone to show the world how wonderful everyone gets along. The booze is flowing and inhibitions are out the window. The phone snaps a few dozen pictures and before incriminating evidence hits the internet, I snag the phone and give the photos a once over. After careful inspection and after sufficient time passes and hangovers set in, I’ll hand the phone back and a careful message of drinking responsibly will accompany a photo of a well-behaved gathering of co-workers respecting one another’s personal space while enjoying a happy-go-lucky scene. Actually, just a happy scene will suffice.

The job is more than making sure there is space in between jumping on social media bandwagons and producing disparaging photos. As parents know, sometimes a person messes up big time. And on those occasions, you need a distancer who understands how to improve a situation. Where an apology is not only vital, but actions to demonstrate that the company’s mindset is moving forward with everyone’s best interest at heart. For example. Let’s say… again, completely hypothetical here, that a politician running for office has information from their past come to the surface. Again, a hypothetical situation. This politician, many years ago, sexually assaulted someone. Yes, this politician should face criminal charges or at the very least an investigation. Chances are, they won’t. That doesn’t mean this person shouldn’t display remorse for their actions. A social distancer who has a parenting background can shame the politician by dropping a massive guilt trip on them, causing them to do the right thing and come forward and acknowledge their wrongdoings and use the opportunity to push forward a like-minded candidate that doesn’t have a “Me Too” moment hidden in their closet. The candidate would then pass their candidacy to a well-earned politician who is younger and a woman, thus saving the party’s image while admitting they behaved like a jackass. Then donate an enormous sum of money to RAIN and a face-to-face apology with the victim.

That’s what a social media distancer would be capable of.  Companies, politicians, and schools could use my expertise. Please inquire within.