A graphic on CDC’s website states, “Your cloth face covering may protect them. Their cloth face covering may protect you.” Still, as common sense tells us covering our mouths and noses can decrease the potential of getting sick, many people are refusing to wear masks. Whether because of laziness or to stand up to government suppression, people feel they are making a political statement by not wearing one.
This past weekend, I had to make a trip to Walmart. I know some of you are already letting out a sigh. While I was in the store, I noticed people were wearing a mask in the line outside to get in, but once inside, some removed their masks. It was then I realized that people needed extra motivation for wearing a mask and came up with this list of reasons to wear a mask unrelated to COVID.
Here’s my list of other reasons to wear a face covering.
- Boogers: Have you ever felt like there was a boogie in your nose, but couldn’t see it in a mirror? You know it’s there, but can’t seem to see it or can’t get it out. The presence of the hardened snot ball can make a person very self-conscious. A mask cures the feeling. So what if it’s there? Nobody but you will know.
- Stanky Breath: Much like the COVID mask may protect you or may protect someone else, a mask can help keep your nose free of smelly breath or help you keep it all inside.
- Nose Sauna: This can be a new marketing strategy. Under the mask is a mixture of heat and moisture. Since we can’t all step into a sauna, we can isolate the sweating experience to a small portion of our face. If there wasn’t a massive pandemic occurring, this would be the latest skincare fad.
- Crooked teeth. I could have saved thousands of dollars by offering my son a mask instead of sending him to the orthodontist. Sure, there are long-term benefits with braces, but we could’ve gone on a cruise for the amount we’ve been spending. On second thought, maybe not a cruise.
- Oreos: Eat Oreos at will and not worry about cookies showing up in your teeth. The same can be said about broccoli, but nobody is binging on broccoli.
- Car exhaust: While walking outside, there are a plethora of toxins that make their way into your body. The exhaust is something many of us New Yorkers breathe in. Masks won’t keep all the exhaust from getting in, but it will diminish the level of poisoned air in your lungs.
- Pot, weed, dope, grass, hashish, wacky backy, reefer, Maryjane: On my run through the park, I receive a different version of the “Runner’s High.” Ever see that old movie “The Fog?” Yeah, it’s like that. Because of wearing the mask, my desire to digest an entire bag of Doritos is less severe.
- Body Odor: Social norms tell us that everyone should wear deodorant, but some people refuse. They believe it would be impossible for them to smell bad. Everyone around them is suffering, but since they can’t smell their own stink, they think all is fine. In fact, they might even think you’re making it up. By wearing a mask, these people are more tolerable, although you might still get a lessened whiff of their B.O. Better to get a diminished whiff than a full-on inhale.
- Paparazzi: Are you annoyed with the paparazzi always following you around? I know I am. With a mask, a pair of sunglasses and a hat, it’s like you’re a new person. The celebrity chasers will have no idea who you are. It’s how I get my coffee without being on the front page of the tabloids. Because let me tell you, those parasites are all about trying to snag a quick pic of their favorite bloggers.
- Smiling: No more polite smiling. Often when we hear a not-funny joke or see someone we don’t get along with, we smile at them. Now you don’t have to worry about those fake encounters. Feel free to grimace and even stick your tongue out at them and they’ll never know.
Actually, forget one through ten and wear a damn mask because people much smarter than you believe it will help lessen the spread of COVID. People died and are dying. High school graduates had to have online graduations. Student-athletes who were looking forward to playing their final game in front of a home crowd had their games canceled. Kids can’t have playdates. People are suffering from mental health issues and cannot get a kind word face to face. There’s so much in limbo. We will still be in the same situation if people do not start being less selfish and more willing to help their neighbor by wearing a mask in every social situation.
Now get over yourself and get a mask on!
Funny man!