Stay-At-Home Dad Application
|Names and ages of children
(If you can’t answer, then you shouldn’t apply.)
|On a scale of 1-10, what was your stress level before you had children?
(If above 8, you should probably seek employment elsewhere.)
|How good are you at remembering things? E.g. wipes, diapers, extra clothes, food, etc.
|If you had a perfect day, you would spend it by doing what?
(Even if it does not include kids, you will still be considered for employment.)
|You are sitting on the toilet and a child begins to bang on the door. Do you-
a) Immediately stop going about your business and quickly open the door.
b) Calmly suggest the child give daddy a few more minutes and let the child express themselves in whatever way they choose.
c) Yell at the tops of your lungs, asking why you can’t have one freaking minute of peace.
|You take your daughter on an outing and she must use the bathroom. Do you-
a) Take her to the nearest bathroom, scour the toilet and make sure she has the privacy needed.
b) Walk over to a tree and stand guard while she squats.
c) Make her hold it until you find a clean bookstore.
|While at a restaurant, one of your children begins to misbehave. Do you-
a) In a calm voice, reason with your child and point to their ill behavior.
b) Ask for the bill and leave.
c) Yell back at your children and tell them you’ll never take them anywhere ever again, all while giving mean looks to the people glaring at you.
|Shortly after arriving at a playground, one of your children falls down and hurts him or herself. Do you-
a) Calm the child down and then gather up all of your belongings and slowly make your way home.
b) Grab a drink of water and a snack in the hopes that it will help the child calm down.
c) Tell the child to toughen up because other kids are watching.
|After having a couple of beers with some friends, your toddler reaches over and grabs a bottle. Do you-
a) Quickly take the bottle from the child.
b) Explain to the child the dangers of alcohol.
c) Grab a camera and take a picture.
|A child gets sick and throws up on you. Do you-
a) Clean them up first and then yourself, all while talking gently to them.
b) Throw up.
c) Ask, “Why couldn’t you have turned the other way or ran to the bathroom?”
|During March Madness. Do you-
a) Go about your usual duties.
b) Carry a kid, watch the games, and clean the house at the same time.
c) Sit and watch TV all day and let the kids take the blame for a messy house.
|After some guy smiles in that condescending way after you have told him what you do for a living, do you-
a) Respond to his smile with a, “It’s a pretty challenging job.”
b) Suggest that it is a rising occupation.
c) Smack him upside his smug face.
|Your 2nd grader brings homework home and YOU don’t understand the directions. Do you-
a) Contact other parents of children in the class and ask them to explain the homework.
b) Pretend you understand the homework and hope your kid isn’t the only one who gets it wrong the following day.
c) Complain about the state of the Public School system.
If you do accept the position of Professional Father, you will be signing your old life away. You will no longer take part in office banter, water cooler conversations, or lunch dates. Instead, you will discuss bowel movements, cartoons, and play dates.
You will no longer be able to take sick leave or vacation time. At every one of your doctor’s visits, a child will be tagging along. Be aware that the waiting room will be a particularly frustrating experience, since you will be the sick one.
Friends will call you to hang out, but you will already have plans (plans that don’t include hanging out with someone your own age). Mornings come quickly. Babies wake up during the night, kids have to wake up and go to school in the morning, things need to be cleaned, and homework needs to be completed. Being a stay-at-home parent means you are on the clock 24/7.
This position, though, if you choose to accept it, will be the most rewarding position that you could have ever dreamed of. Your performance reviews will be completed by little ones who, although they have watched you constantly and observed your numerous errors, will still believe you are the greatest person alive. You will be entitled to a yearly bonus, payable on Father’s Day in the form of a card that says, “World’s Greatest Dad.” Know that the title was not given to you just because you spawned, but because you have earned it.