In Pacific Rim, 2018 Sexiest Man Alive Idris Elba proclaims, “Today, we are canceling the apocalypse.” Well today, I’m canceling my People’s Magazine subscription. (I don’t really have one) Here’s why: I’ve been waiting for too long to be named The Sexiest Man Alive. Every November, I walk to the magazine section in CVS and turn away disappointed. This year was no different. I thought it was my time to be the Sexiest of the Sexy. But no, John Legend takes home the honor this year. And everyone is going crazy how deserving he is and about his EGOT (Emmy, Grammy, Oscar, Tony). I’ve got an EGOT too, but mine stands for “Everyone get out today!” (That’s what I say when I need to use the bathroom and my kids are getting ready.)
I like John Legend. He’s super talented, has a great marriage with Chrissy Tegan, and is an involved dad. Those should qualify him to be Sexiest Man Alive. But I have a problem. Nobody is seeking us normal everyday dads that also show up every day. So here’s how I stand up to all the previous winners of the title Sexiest Man Alive.
2019: John Legend: Shakespeare asked, “What’s in a name?” I’ll tell you what’s in John Legend’s name, a pseudonym. Legend is not his real name. Shocking I know. Maybe I should change my name to “Jason Greatness” and everyone will go along with it and say, “yes, now that you pointed that out, he is great.” I agree, John seems like he has his stuff together and priorities right. And he seems like a nice guy. We should hang sometime John. I’m free next week.
2018: Idris Elba. Okay, maybe the coolest guy on the list. The Wire, Luther, Thor, Family Matters, all great performances. And he’s got a sweet English accent. But is his accent as cool as my Midwestern, Southern, New York combination? Y’all come back now, or fawgetaboutit.
2017: Blake Shelton: He seems like a nice guy and he’s dating my 1996 crush Gwen Stefani, so he’s got something going on. But sexier than me? Come on! I can sing too. Just stop by the local karaoke bar and you’ll be wanting to hear my voice on prime-time TV.
2016: The Rock: Okay, I’ll admit right off the bat that the Rock is sexy. I am set in my heterosexual ways, but even Vice-President Pence has to admit the Rock is sexy. Here’s the thing, the Rock is super busy. How often is he away from home? How much can he help around the house? You know what women want? I do. They want a guy that takes care of things at home. I might not have the biceps and pecs like the Rock, but does he have my dishpan hands? Wait, dishpan hands are sexy, right? And a guy like that has to eat 5 or 6 protein bars a day. Have you eaten a protein bar? What did that do to your digestive system? I guarantee that after 5 or 6 protein bars, everyone can smell what the Rock is cookin’.
2015 David Beckham: I’ve seen Beckham’s abs on gigantic billboards in Times Square. He’s a ripped middle-aged dude. I can’t out crunch him, but I bet I can challenge him to how many times he has carried a coaching clipboard at his kids’ games. He may have named his kid Brooklyn, but I have coached kids in Brooklyn. I’ve spent thousands of hours training and teaching kids how to play soccer and trying to be a positive male role model. And again, those abs? I ain’t got time for sit-ups, I’m too busy cooking, cleaning, and making sure my kids’ breakfast isn’t on their face when they leave for school.
2014 Chris Hemsworth: Thor joked after he landed the cover that he wouldn’t have to change diapers or do the dishes for a while. Do you know what isn’t sexy son of Odin? Smelling a poopy diaper.
2013 Adam Levine: Hmm, with Shelton and John being named, is there a Voice conspiracy? Is someone from NBC paying People off? This Magazine has taken its toll on me. I can’t take it no more.
2012 Channing Tatum: I got moves too. It’s called, “The Bob.” It’s where I take a screaming baby and soothe it by bouncing back and forth. And instead of dollar bills stuffed into my pants, I have a pacifier, baby bottle, and a folded diaper (hopefully clean).
2011 Bradley Cooper: He played a chef, but can he cook for a family of 6 and make sure picky eaters are satisfied? I do it every day.
2010 Ryan Reynolds: Reynolds seems like he is a great dad and that’s sexy. So we might be equal in the sexy dad department. But can he take a backseat so his wife can further her career? Boom! Sexy points go to the stay-at-home dad.
2009 Johnny Depp: He always looks like he needs a bath and wears too many scarfs.
2008 Hugh Jackman: Okay, another great dad choice. You got me with this one. I’ll consider it a tie.
2007 Matt Damon: Here’s another dad cover I can’t argue with. He seems like he is a good father and husband and is trying to make the world a better place. Kudos to Damon. I’ll give 2007 a pass.
2006 George Clooney: You think he does dishes? Or can unclog a toilet? Or can change a diaper in a bathroom that doesn’t have a changing table? I’ll have a sexy off with Clooney any day.
2005 Matthew McConaughey: All right, all right, all right. He might be a better bongo player than me, but would you want this guy buckling your kid into a car seat? Seems easily distracted.
2004 Jude Law: More like Jude Unlawful. Am I right? Up high. Was Hugh Grant busy that year? That was also the year I became a dad and could be seen pushing a stroller around NYC. You didn’t have to look far People.
2003 Johnny Depp: Twice? Twice? Showers and scarfs, that’s all I’m saying.
2002 Ben Affleck: Talented and beautiful women love him, but he always seems to mess up. Not sexy.
2001 Pierce Brosnan: He is a great-looking guy who loves his family. Kind of reminds me of myself.
2000 Brad Pitt: I’m still Team Anniston
1999 Richard Gere: Sure, if grandmas are asked.
1998 Harrison Ford: Han Solo, Indiana Jones, and Rick Deckard are fictional characters. Do you know who isn’t? Me.
1997 George Clooney: Another double cover guy. Who would you want manning the grill? A guy who is afraid to get grease on his clothes or the guy who is wearing his favorite shirt that has grease stains?
1996 Denzel Washington: Okay, another great choice. Good dad, a good husband, and great looking. Denzel and I have a lot in common.
1995 Brad Pitt: Again Brad? Greed isn’t sexy.
1994: No Sexiest Man Alive that year. They were waiting for me. Hey People, I’m the one waiting now.
1993 Richard Gere and Cindy Crawford shared the Sexiest Couple cover. Come on, we all know who the sexiest one was on that cover.
1992 Nick Nolte: Really People? We’ve seen the mug shot. Let me repeat that. Nick Nolte was once named the Sexiest Man Alive.
1991 Patrick Swayze: If there is one person in the history of Sexiness that could out sexy me, it is Swayze. It is Swayze who was out of our league.
1990 Tom Cruise: You will not find a World’s Greatest Dad mug on his desk. Controlling is not a sexy trait.
1989 Sean Connery: Can you picture Sean running around the playground with kids? Or having a water balloon fight? Or sitting on the floor playing with toddlers? Or wearing a dress because his daughters want to play dress-up?
1988 John F. Kennedy, Jr: He founded George Magazine and in Feb/Mar 2000, Donald Trump was on the cover with the title, ‘The Secret Behind Trump’s Political Fling’. This means It is JFK Jr.’s fault Trump envisioned himself as president. Not sexy Junior!
1987 Harry Hamlin: He’s been married for over 20 years and that is sexy. Seems like a good dad, but has he ever scrubbed a toilet? Has he scrubbed one today? I have and I’ll do it again tomorrow. And everyone knows scrubbing a toilet is ultra-sexy.
1986 Mark Harmon: You know him from NCIS, but I know him from Summer School and he was way sexier in Summer School. What made him sexier? He was funny. He lost his silly edge and making people laugh is sexy. By the way, I’ve got a dad joke for you.
1985 Mel Gibson: Do I need to explain?
Now you have my reasons why I should be the Sexiest Man Alive. Sure, stay-at-home dads can be equaled in sexy, but we can’t be passed. The world has asked men repeatedly to step up and make the home a priority. And I am proud to be one that has. We cook, clean, change diapers, go to PTA meetings, make lunches, and provide our wives with support so they can take charge of their careers. We are leaders in gender equality, teach sons to treat women respectfully, and show our daughters they can take any road they want. We are community activists, volunteers, coaches, and babysit kids when other parents need a break.
If putting others first is sexy, and being a good dad is sexy, then stay-at-home dads are the sexiest men alive.