I’ve been waiting for too long to be named The Sexiest Man Alive. I made my case back in 2013 and have yet to be on the cover of People Magazine. Every November, I walk to the magazine section in CVS and turn away disappointed. This year was no different. I thought 2017 was my year to be the Sexiest of the Sexy. But no, Blake Shelton got my cover.
I like Blake Shelton. Not like like, but he seems like a nice guy and he’s dating Gwen Stefani, so he’s got something going on. But sexier than me? Come on! In fact, I believe I can out sexy all of People Magazine’s choices.
Here’s how I stack up.
2016 The Rock: Okay, I’ll admit right off the bat that the Rock is sexy. I am set in my heterosexual ways, but even Vice-President Pence has to admit the Rock is pretty sexy. But here’s the thing, the Rock is super busy. How often is he away from home? How much can he help out around the house? You know what women want? I do. They want a guy that takes care of things at home. I might not have the biceps and pecs like the Rock, but does he have my dishpan hands? Wait, dishpan hands are sexy, right?
2015 David Beckham: I’ve seen Beckham’s abs on gigantic billboards in Times Square. He’s a ripped middle-aged dude. I can’t out crunch him, but I bet I can challenge him to how many times he has carried a coaching clipboard at his kids’ games. He may have named his kid Brooklyn, but I have coached kids in Brooklyn. I’ve spent thousands of hours training and teaching kids how to play soccer and trying to be a positive male role model.
2014 Chris Hemsworth: Thor joked after he landed the cover that he wouldn’t have to change diapers or do the dishes for a while. You know what isn’t sexy? Smelling a poopy diaper.
2013 Adam Levine: Hmm, with Shelton being named, is there a Voice conspiracy? Is someone from NBC paying People off? This Magazine has taken its toll on me.
2012 Channing Tatum: I got moves too. It’s called, “The Bob.” It’s where I take a screaming baby and soothe it by bouncing back and forth. And instead of dollar bills stuffed into my pants, I have a pacifier, baby bottle, and a folded diaper (hopefully clean).
2011 Bradley Cooper: He played a chef, but can he cook for a family of 6 and make sure picky eaters are satisfied?
2010 Ryan Reynolds: Reynolds seems like he is a great dad and many consider that sexy. So we might be equal in the sexy dad department. But can he take a backseat so his wife can further her career? Boom! Sexy points go to the stay-at-home dad.
2009 Johnny Depp: He looks like he needs a bath and wears too many scarfs.
2008 Hugh Jackman: Okay, another great dad choice. You got me with this one. I’ll consider it a tie.
2007 Matt Damon: Here’s another dad cover I can’t argue with. He seems like he is a good father and husband and is trying to make the world a better place. Kudos to Damon.
2006 George Clooney: You think he does dishes? Or can unclog a toilet? I’ll have a sexy off with Clooney any day.
2005 Matthew McConaughey: All right, all right, all right. He might be a better bongo player than me, but would you want this guy packing your kids’ lunch? Or buckling a kid into a car seat? Seems easily distracted.
2004 Jude Law: More like Jude Unlawful. Am I right? Up high.
2003 Johnny Depp: Twice? Twice? Showers and scarfs, that’s all I’m saying.
2002 Ben Affleck: Talented and beautiful women love him, but he always seems to mess up. Not a sexy trait.
2001 Pierce Brosnan: He is a great looking guy who loves his wife and kids. Kind of reminds me of myself. I’ll let this one pass.
2000 Brad Pitt: I’ll take this tie as well. The world can be glad Mr. Pitt and I have never sat next to one another in a bar. That would be too much sexy in one place.
1999 Richard Gere: Sure, if grandmas are asked.
1998 Harrison Ford: Han Solo, Indiana Jones, and Rick Deckard are fictional characters. You know who isn’t? Me.
1997 George Clooney: Another double cover guy. Who would you want manning the grill? A guy who is afraid to get grease on his clothes or the guy who is wearing his favorite shirt that has grease stains?
1996 Denzel Washington: Okay, another great choice. Good dad, a good husband, and great looking. Denzel and I have a lot in common.
1995 Brad Pitt: Again Brad? I’ll take back 2000. Greed is not sexy.
1994: No Sexiest Man Alive that year. Probably because they were waiting for me.
1993 Richard Gere and Cindy Crawford shared Sexiest Couple cover: What happened? Breakups are not sexy.
1992 Nick Nolte: Really People? We’ve seen the mug shot.
1991 Patrick Swayze: If there is one person in the history of Sexiness that could out sexy me, it is Swayze. It is Swayze who was out of our league.
1990 Tom Cruise: You will not find a World’s Greatest Dad mug on his desk.
1989 Sean Connery: Can you picture Sean running around the playground with kids? Or having a water balloon fight? Or sitting on the floor playing with toddlers?
1988 John F. Kennedy, Jr: He founded George Magazine and in Feb/Mar 2000, Donald Trump was on the cover with the title, ‘The Secret Behind Trump’s Political Fling’. Which means It is JFK Jr.’s fault Trump envisioned himself as president. Not sexy Junior!
1987 Harry Hamlin: He’s been married for 20 years and that is sexy. Seems like a good dad, but has he ever scrubbed a toilet? Has he scrubbed one today? I have and I’ll do it again tomorrow. And everyone knows scrubbing a toilet is ultra-sexy.
1986 Mark Harmon: You know him from NCIS, but I know him from Summer School and he was way sexier in Summer School. What made him sexier? He was funny. He lost his silly edge and making people laugh is sexy. By the way, I’ve got a dad joke for you.
Mel Gibson: Do I need to explain?
Now you have my reasons why I should be the Sexiest Man Alive. Sure, stay-at-home dads can be equalled in sexy, but we can’t be passed. The world has asked men over and over again to step up and make the home a priority. And I am proud to be one that has. We cook, clean, change diapers, go to PTA meetings, make lunches, and provide our wives with support so they can take charge of their careers. We are leaders in gender equality, teach sons to treat women respectfully, and show our daughters they can take any road they want. We are community activists, volunteers, coaches, and babysit kids when other parents need a break.
If putting others first is sexy, stay-at-home dads are the sexiest men alive. I’m ready for your 2018 cover People.
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